Offensive linemen have the most thankless job in the NFL. Go stand in that guy’s way, and if you do a good job, we’ll never talk about it. Make a mistake, and, best case, we’ll publicly shame you. Or we’ll blame you for a loss or injury.
The big lugs need a hug, and that’s why they look forward to the holiday season. Their rich quarterbacks — and sometimes the running backs — often reward offensive linemen for their blood, sweat and tears with lavish gifts. While the gifts are not always made public, we were able to compile our list of the top 10 gifts from this year, plus two honorable mentions. (The bottom of the list is best left to one’s imagination, and we were not able to confirm our theory that Houston Texans quarterback C.J. Stroud gave his offensive linemen some rocks to kick.)
Did the quarterbacks, and teams, get immediate dividends from the offensive linemen for their generosity? Let’s take a look at the best gifts along with how those teams fared in Week 17.
Cincinnati Bengals
Week 17 result: Beat Denver Broncos, 30-24
Quarterback Joe Burrow asked his linemen what they wanted, and when some said guns, it got him thinking about the coolest weapon. A samurai sword was the obvious answer.
“Samurai swords, I think, are pretty dang cool,” he told reporters.
He bought authentic Japanese Katana swords, each having a unique back story of a town or battle, lined them up in a room and had the linemen pick.
“Joe does a great job at buying gifts that are extremely meaningful,” left tackle Orlando Brown Jr. told reporters. “The fact that he bought me a sword, it’s the most ancient form of respect.”
“My favorite gift I’ve ever gotten by far because it’s so different,” guard Alex Cappa added.
Burrow was sacked seven times in the Bengals’ overtime win against the Broncos on Saturday, so maybe less pretend sword fights this week, guys.
Green Bay
Week 17 result: Lost to Minnesota Vikings, 27-25
Running back Josh Jacobs wrapped up diamond pendants for his 12 offensive linemen. They were commissioned by ZoFrost &Co., a custom jewelry maker in Houston.
Jacobs is having a huge season, but he was held to 69 yards and a touchdown on 17 carries in the loss to the Vikings. The Packers did score the last 15 points of the game to make it close, so maybe it just took the linemen a while to stop squinting from all the bling.
Philadelphia
Week 17 result: Beat Dallas Cowboys, 41-17
Running back Saquon Barkley, who is vying for the NFL rushing record, was smart and went in with quarterback Jalen Hurts on gifts for the linemen. They bought each one a personalized golf cart, customized with the player’s last name and number. And, of course, the logos for Hurts and Barkley on the back. After all, what’s the point of a gift if there isn’t a constant reminder of who got it for you?
San Francisco
Week 17 result: Lost to Detroit Lions, 40-34
Brock Purdy was also smart. He hasn’t gotten his big payday yet, so he turned to corporate sponsorship. Thanks to his friends at Toyota, Purdy gave 10 linemen either a Toyota Sequoia or a Toyota Tundra. Though these are the most expensive gifts on the list, we can’t rank them too high since Purdy was more of a middleman.
New York Jets
Week 17 result: Lost to Buffalo Bills, 40-14
You can’t dress up a pig, but that doesn’t mean pigs don’t like to clean up nicely every now and then. Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers, who has had a miserable season, tried to style up the Jets’ facility. He had a tailor come in and measure the linemen for custom Tom Ford suits, which they can wear with their new Tom Ford sunglasses and Tom Ford cologne. They also received a Louis Vuitton passport holder.
And if that was all too much for them, Rodgers threw in a stereo speaker and a bottle of Devils River bourbon.
As for the game, Rodgers benched himself in the fourth quarter with the Jets down, 40-0. There is no truth to the rumor that one of the lineman at that point yelled out, “Who the heck is Tom Ford?”
Detroit
Week 17 result: Beat San Francisco 49ers, 40-34
After all, offensive linemen are a simple lot. Jewelry? Trucks? Nah. Lions quarterback Jared Goff knew his audience.
“It’s hard when you got guys giving out Toyota trucks to try to keep up with that,” he told reporters, “but I got them a nice Yeti package with a ton of Wagyu — steaks and beef. I hope they like it.’”
They did. The only downside is the gift is gone in four days.
Pittsburgh
Week 17 result: Lost to Kansas City Chiefs, 29-10
This one should be higher on the list. We are just against gift cards. Even if they’re for $10,000 for an Airbnb that can be used worldwide. The Steelers’ Russell Wilson also gave 14 offensive linemen a black-and-yellow Louis Vuitton duffel bag, custom black-and-yellow Good Man Brand shoes and a bottle of his wife Ciara’s Ten to One Rum.
The Steelers have lost three games in a row, so clearly vacation-themed gifts were a bad idea.
Kansas City
Week 17 result: Beat Pittsburgh Steelers, 29-10
Quarterback Patrick Mahomes gave his bodyguards a red Yeti cooler with a Rolex watch, Oakley sunglasses, Lucchese boots and Normatec recovery boots inside. This after giving them a golf cart last year and a personalized golf bag with clubs the year before.
Washington
Week 17 result: Beat Atlanta Falcons, 30-24
Jayden Daniels is impossible to predict on the field, as he can throw it over defenders’ heads or run by them. But when it comes to buying gifts, the Commanders quarterback kept it simple. He wrapped up electric scooters for his offensive linemen, “so they don’t have to walk around as much,” he told reporters.
Los Angeles Chargers
Week 17 result: Beat New England Patriots, 40-7
Justin Herbert got his linemen two gift cards, one from Delta Air Lines (along with luggage) and one for Wagyu beef from Snake River Farms — to keep their minds off their vacation plans.
The Patriots didn’t show up Sunday, so it didn’t really matter for this study what Herbert got his guys.
Buffalo
Week 17 result: Beat New York Jets, 40-14
In the past, Bills quarterback Josh Allen gifted his linemen scooters, golf clubs and lessons. But his Bills linemen have reversed the trend — since whenever they screw up, Allen just runs by a defensive lineman or trucks a defensive back.
Last year, they gave him an ATV. This season, they decided to let him know what they thought about the pending most valuable player vote. The linemen gave him a diamond necklace of Allen’s No. 17 jersey with “MVP” on the nameplate. The back has the names of the linemen listed. Tackle Dion Dawkins posted the gift on Instagram with the caption, “Merry Christmas to our MVP.”
New York Giants
Week 17 result: Beat Indianapolis Colts, 45-33
Daniel Jones is living the good life as a practice squad player on the Vikings. But he didn’t forget his former teammates — or hold a grudge for all the beatings they facilitated earlier this season — and sent his old Giants linemen presents. He gifted them a limited edition bottle of Clase Azul tequila. The bottles can range in price from $120 to $19,000.
Here’s hoping the linemen did not Google their respective bottles.
Since the overall record was 8-4, the moral of the story is this: Big guys like presents.
This article originally appeared in The New York Times.
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