In these dark days for many mom-and-pop shops, it is with heavy hearts the world learns that the current proprietor of North Korea may be gravely ill after surgery. We wish our best to Kim Jong Un on behalf of the 25 million North Koreans he has repressed, terrorized, tortured and starved, all while building a nuclear arsenal and romancing a certain American president who calls Kim’s vision for his country “great and beautiful.”
Our fingers are tightly crossed that the family business, inherited from dad and grandpa, survives this crisis.
Perhaps half-brother Kim Jong Nam will take the reins. Wait, what? What’s that you say? Kim Jong Un’s security goons assassinated him using a nerve agent in 2017? Darnit.
Maybe Jang Song Thaek, Kim Jong Un’s uncle, could shoulder the load. Oh — you say he was hauled before a kangaroo court and executed in 2013? Scratch him off the list.
Sister Kim Yo Jong, while alive, has never shown much of a flair for murder. Brother Kim Jong Chol prefers electric guitars to slave labor camps.
Maybe the baton will go to 20-something nephew Kim Han Sol, or to one of the bossman’s own kids, the oldest of whom is 10. Sure they’re green, but daddy was in his late 20s when he took over. There’s no substitute for talent.