The following 12 letters were sent from Miss Aberdeen McHolstein to her lover, John, on The 12 Days of Christmas:
Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift! I was beyond surprise! With deepest love and devotion, Agnes.’
Dearest John: The postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves. They are just adorable! All my love, Agnes.
Dear John: Oh, aren’t you the extravagant one! Now, I really must protest. I don’t deserve these three French hens! They are just darling, but I must insist that you have been far too kind! Love, Agnes.
Dear John: Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are just beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough. You’re being too romantic! Affectionately, Agnes.
Dearest John: What a surprise! Today, the postman delivered five golden rings … one for each finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it! Frankly, all those birds squawking were getting on my nerves! All my love, Agnes.
Dear John: When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? These geese are huge! Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I can’t sleep with this racket! Please stop! Cordially, Agnes.
John: What’s with you and the fricking birds? Seven swans-a-swimming? There are bird droppings all over my house, they never stop with the racket! I can’t sleep at night, and I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny! OK buster, now stop with all those birds! Sincerely, Agnes.
OK, Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and now the maids, but they had to bring their darn cows! There is you-know-what all over the lawn, and I can’t move in my own house! Just lay off me, Agnes.
Hey Jerk John: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing, and oh, do they play! They have not stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning! The cows are getting upset, and they’re stepping all over those screeching birds! What am I going to do? The neighbors want to evict me! You’ll get yours! Agnes
Hey you rotten idiot: Now there’s 10 ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies. They have been chasing those pipers all night! Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve been mooing all night! The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why my building shouldn’t be condemned! I’m sicking the police on you! One who Means it, Agnes.
Listen, John, you schmuck: What’s with those 11 lords-a leaping! Need I say more? Those pipers have been committing (not nice) with the cows! All of the 23 birds are dead. They’ve been trampled to death in the orgy! I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten vicious swine. Your enemy, Agnes.
From the Law offices of Badger, Bender and Cahole comes this letter: Dear Sir, This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total! All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight! With this letter, please find a warrant for your arrest! Sincerely, Badger, Bender, and Cahole.
That’s it gang … wow! Happy holidaze … Smile, laugh and be so grateful for friends and family! Aloha … a hui hou.