Surely most of you are watching the exciting soccer games on TV. Wow, just confirms what I said when at the age of 40 when I first started playing: “Height does not matter, you just have to fast and mean!” Yes … and it is a great sport! Ready? Let’s laugh!
The scientist asks, “Why does it work?” The engineer asks, “How does it work?” The accountant asks, “How much will it cost?” The philosopher asks, “Do I get fries with that?”
A statistician’s wife has twins. He was delighted and called to tell his minister the good news. “Excellent!” said the minister. “Bring them to church on Sunday, and we’ll baptize them.” “No,” replied the statistician. “Let’s just baptize one. We’ll keep the other as a control!” (Yep, naughty.)
Two statisticians are flying on a plane when the pilot announces that they have lost an engine, but not to worry, the other three are fine. However, instead of three hours the trip will now take four hours. A little later the pilot announces that a second engine has failed, but the other two are fine. Now the trip will take six hours, so they pass out drinks. Later still, the pilot announces that a third engine has failed and the trip will now take 12 hours. At this point, one statistician turns to the other and says, “I sure hope we don’t lose that last engine, or we’ll be up here forever!” (With that, his partner says to him, “I nevah know you one Portagee!”)
A mathematician stumbled through the door at 3 a.m. His wife was furious and yelled, “You’re late! You said you’d be home by 11:45 p.m.!” The mathematician replied, “No honey, I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12!”
Did you hear about the new garlic diet? You don’t actually lose weight, but you look thinner from a distance! One more?
Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely pinup model, scanty dressed, on her refrigerator to remind her of her goal. The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost 10 pounds in the first month of using this method. The downside to this was that her husband ended up gaining 15 pounds!
These next are familiar to all, a walk down memory lane … My mother taught me religion: “You’d best pray that will come out of the carpet!” … My father taught me logic: “Because I said so, that’s why!” … My mother taught me foresight: “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you re in an accident!” … My father taught me irony: “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about!” … My mother taught me about weather: “This room of yours looks as if a tornado hit it!”
Yep, I skipped over all the politics today. Just too darn frightening!
So, be well, my friends … do what you can for those impacted by Madame Pele, celebrate the love in your life and pay it forward! Aloha, a hui hou.
