Several of you readers have asked me why I don’t write more “local” Hawaiian jokes. So with due respect to Blallah Frank DeLima, I offer the following. (OK, those of you locals known that da man one Portagee!): What do you call someone who tells the punchline first and then the joke? A Portagee comedian! … Did you hear about the Portagee who willed his body to science? Science is contesting the will! … When the U.S. surgeon general came out with the report that said cigarette smoking caused cancer in mice, the Portagees put their packs of cigarettes high up on a shelf, where the mice couldn’t get them!
Now for the Hawaiian ones … What do you get when you cross a blallah with a tidah? Injured! … What do you get when you cross two blallahs? Injured! Oh yes! … How can you tell a tidah? You can’t! Best to keep your mouth shut! … Did you hear about the tidah who was a light eater? She started eating as soon as it got light! (Ouch? Too close to home?) One more? What’s a blallah’s seven-course dinner? A six-pack and poke!
Now for some great “one-liners!” There is no vaccine against stupidity! … When gas prices reach $6 a gallon it should include car insurance! … Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge! … Shhhh, that’s the sound of nobody caring what you think! … Yep, just one more: So, I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending!
Government joke? Do we really have a Twitter-based bully pulpit with crucial support of wealthy allies? Think again! Frown again! Vote again!
Whoops, the last one was just a tad off the scale for laughter, so here’s another joke: There are only 100,000 pay phones still left in the USA, down from two million in 1999. Where do I get such information? I make it up! LOL!
Now to begin closing with a few near and dear to me: medical kine! Here are five rejected names for managed care companies: McHealth Care, Suboptimum Choice, Equivocare, Premiums Plus … and da grand finale … You’ll Get That Procedure Over Our Dead Body Health Plan!
This last one many of us can identify with: A pharmacist handed a medication to an elderly customer and said, “Take one of these every four hours, or as often as you can get the cap off!”
Now to close with one of my favorite Rita Rudner quotes: “I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet at the back of my head!”
Be well … Be kind to all … Aloha, a hui hou.