The Tortoise and the Hare (brained)

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. — If you go to the content-sharing website Pinterest, you can find pages of decorating tips for painting a turtle or tortoise shell.

A unifying element in these craft displays is that the shells, at the time of decoration, were not still being used by a living, breathing creature. Which is key, because here in Florida, apparently, some of the shell artisans have been practicing their craft on live slow-moving reptiles.

And it has gotten problematic enough for the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission to post an advisory on its Facebook page to warn that painting the shells of live turtles and tortoises in Florida is a crime.

“Tortoises and turtles don’t need touch-ups!” the FWC warns.

“You can paint your house, a piece of furniture, a canvas, or even your own fingernails or toenails, but you should never paint the shells of turtles and gopher tortoises!” the advisory says.

“While to you it may seem harmless, painting the shells of turtles and tortoises can severely compromise their health — the paint can hinder their ability to absorb vitamins they need from the sun, cause respiratory problems, allow toxic chemicals into the bloodstream and more.”

And it’s not just turtles.

The FWC also reported finding a white ibis in Palm Beach County that had been spray-painting orange. This led to another posted warning:

“First turtles, now birds!” the FWC Facebook page announced.

“Please keep your paint on the canvas and off of wildlife. White ibis are protected in Florida. Not only is it illegal to paint them, but it is cruel to paint any wildlife.”

Some people have speculated that the painted turtles may be due, in part, to the summer release of another “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie, which features four talking, crime-fighting turtles distinguished by their brightly colored bandanas in red, blue, purple or orange.

But it’s probably just a Florida thing: That is, the confluence between poor judgment, opportunity and a lack of sobriety. (Or as it may one day come to be known: The Full Lochte.)

“OK, no more painting,” wrote one commenter on the FWC post. “But can I still decorate them with glitter glues?”

Others suggested that the shell painting is perhaps done to make these slow-moving reptiles more visible so they don’t end up as road kill or getting mangled by inattentive landscapers.

One woman wrote about her neighborhood experiences with box turtles, who have a habit of nosing into the ground near the base of trees, which leaves the back end of their shells vulnerable to workers wielding Weed Whackers.

“I use nontoxic bright red or pink nail polish on the outer edge of tail area,” she wrote. “I know factually from neighbors this has saved them on many occasions.”

This still doesn’t explain why somebody would use spray paint to make a white ibis look more like a scarlet ibis.

Just another one of those Florida things, I guess.