Dear Annie: My college-age daughter is very hard on herself. “Sharyn” is a beautiful, intelligent and wonderful person at heart, but she cannot see it, even though everyone else does. Dear Annie: My college-age daughter is very hard on herself.
Dear Annie: My college-age daughter is very hard on herself. “Sharyn” is a beautiful, intelligent and wonderful person at heart, but she cannot see it, even though everyone else does.
For 12 years, Sharyn has been in some form of therapy. She has damaged herself, starved herself and even run away. As a child, she was “different,” and so she was badly bullied and had unreliable friends who briefly entered her life and left suddenly. After years of rejection and failure to achieve her goals, she began to isolate herself and give up. Much of her time was spent alone and lonely. It was unbearably painful to stand by and watch my child undeservingly suffer like this.
Sharyn seemed to make progress once she started college. She’s maintained a 3.5 GPA, developed incredible artistic and writing abilities, found a summer job and will be living with her friends this coming year. However, she still believes no one really likes her. She says, “Everyone wants me gone,” and “Everyone thinks I’m stupid, lazy, weird and mean.” She has many great things going for her now, but she still allows her negativity to control her life. She has even said to me, “You hate me,” and “I’m a bad daughter.” I have overheard her yelling both hurtful and hateful comments to herself while she looks in the mirror.
I tell Sharyn repeatedly that I love her and am proud of her, but she accuses me of lying. I’m frustrated and heartbroken that she believes these things when she has come so far. What else can I possibly do to help my daughter understand that she is a wonderful person who deserves happiness? — Peace Bound Parent
Dear Parent: You are doing the best you can with your bedrock reassurances. Sharyn’s conception of herself is so distorted and negative that she assumes your opinion is too biased to count. Her accusations are a way to test your commitment. These issues are best addressed in therapy. Since she seems to be making progress, albeit slowly, please continue to provide calm, loving support. You also can get some therapy on your own and develop some coping strategies.
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