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Dear Annie: When I married my husband, his son, “D.J.” was 6 years old. My children from my first marriage were slightly older. Right from the start, D.J. was a handful. He was violent and often in trouble at school.
A year into the marriage, my husband and I had a son together. That same year, D.J. was diagnosed with ADHD and aggressive behavior and was put on medication. D.J. is now 14. In the intervening years, he has killed animals, pushed his younger brother off a patio and tried to suffocate him, and recently hit him in the eye and caused permanent damage to his vision. D.J. went to live with his mother three years ago. She took him off all of his medications.
Last summer, I insisted D.J. stay with my in-laws, who are completely blind to his flaws. I told my husband he could visit D.J. as often as he wanted, and for six weeks, my husband spent every day with his older son, while our kids barely saw him. The problem is, D.J. will be coming to visit again this summer. While I understand this is my husband’s son, I must protect our younger kids from his violence. My husband is upset that I don’t want D.J. in our home. Please help. — Scared to Death
Dear Scared: D.J. sounds like a very disturbed young man who takes his hostility out on your children. Based on his track record, he cannot be trusted around them. It must be difficult for your husband to accept that his son is so violent, but we think having D.J. stay with his grandparents is sensible. We hope your husband will consider getting some counseling for him, and also for the entire family.
Dear Annie: My 90-year-old mother is an Alzheimer’s patient. In her younger days, she was very active in the community and belonged to many organizations and social clubs.
Mom doesn’t get out of her assisted-living community much. Occasionally, I take her in her wheelchair to a local restaurant or a doctor’s appointment. Because of her former high profile in the community, many people recognize her, but she no longer knows them. I always tell them to please identify themselves so she doesn’t get confused. Yet even with this warning, some people insist on saying, “Hi, Mary! Do you know who I am?”
Of course, I immediately tell Mom their name and how she knows them so she can put them in context. But what amazes me is that some people have the nerve to ask, “Why did you tell her? I wanted to see if she recognized me!” Mind you, she often does not know me. Why on earth would she remember some acquaintance from 30 years ago?
Mom knows enough to be aware that she has a problem with her memory. The shock and despair on her face during these encounters is so sad, it makes me want to smack these idiots. I’m amazed at the stupidity of some people and wanted to tell them so. — Pissed Off in El Paso
Dear El Paso: It is always wise to identify yourself when approaching someone. It is both inconsiderate and egotistical to assume everyone knows who you are. This is especially important when dealing with a person with Alzheimer’s. Thanks for saying so.
Dear Annie: I’ve been reading about the barking dogs. Many years ago, we lived next to a lady who had chickens. I called and told her that her rooster was waking us up too early in the morning. She promised it wouldn’t happen again.
The next morning, the rooster began to crow. I got out of bed and called her on the phone. When she answered, I began to crow like a rooster. End of problem. — The Villages, Fla.
Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailboxcomcast.net.
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