COPYRIGHT 2012 CREATORS.COM
Dear Annie: Our 22-year-old son is in college. He lives at home, and we pay all his expenses, which is fine with us. He was never particularly interested in school until his last year of high school. Now he’s doing really well.
The problem is, he wants to go to medical school and needs to pass the MCAT exam. He is studying very hard and barely speaks to us. This is frightening for us. He is our only child, and we are trying very hard to be nice to him, but he dismisses us completely. When he eats dinner with us, he barely answers our questions and gets up as soon as possible. Even when he’s watching TV in his room, he locks his door.
It’s hard to deal with this. How we can make him understand that success isn’t everything? — Worried Mom
Dear Mom: Right now, doing well in school and passing his MCATs are the most important things in your son’s life, and he is working hard to achieve his goals. Instead of demanding his attention, try to support his ambition. Keep in mind that you get to see your child more often than many parents whose college-age children are home only during semester breaks (and not always then). And it’s harder for him to have the independent, adult life he craves, because he still lives with you.
We know it’s difficult that he is so uncommunicative, and you can ask him to be civil enough to respond politely when spoken to. But beyond that, please accept his presence as it is. If it’s at all possible for him to live in a dorm room or get a part-time job to support an apartment, we highly recommend it.
Dear Annie: My local grocery has carryout service. I tell them I don’t need help, but they always assist anyway. Granted, I look like I need help because I always have my 9-month-old baby and 3-year-old toddler with me.
I realize they are only being kind, but it makes me feel I have to tip them a dollar or two. Do I? How much? How can I make it clear that I don’t want their assistance? (I always take the cart back to the store. The extra walk is great exercise.) — J.
Dear J.: Groceries that offer to have someone take your bags to the car generally do so as a courtesy to the shoppers, and a tip is not required. If you aren’t sure what the policy is for your store, ask the manager. And while you’re at it, inquire how to do without this service. Perhaps you simply need to be more forceful when saying, “Absolutely not, thank you very much.”
Dear Annie: I think your answer to “Dreaming of Long Hair” may have reflected your own negative bias. How could you say some people see it as “effeminate, unprofessional or the sign of a slacker”? Others might view long hair as the mark of an artist, musician, soccer player or independent thinker.
The real issue is how much control parents need to exert over personal choice issues such as hair length for a 14-year-old boy. It seems to me that by this age, he should be allowed to decide how he wants to wear his own hair. The ties between teens and their parents are usually already so strained it just makes sense to cut a kid some slack on the less critical issues. You might have suggested he approach his parents from this perspective, armed with your column. — It’s Only Hair
Dear Hair: You misunderstand our position. Long hair is neither positive nor negative. However, it is obvious that this young man’s parents find it unacceptable. We hoped understanding the possible reasons might help him to counter their objections. Nonetheless, they are still his parents and are allowed to set the rules in their home.
Dear Annie: “Hurt and Confused in Wisconsin” said her husband’s stepmother is emotionally abusive. She had trouble reconciling this with the biblical command to honor thy mother and father.
I am a minister who has counseled many in this position. “Honor thy mother” means do not speak to or about a parent in a disrespectful manner and do not treat them hurtfully. Do not refuse help for an honest need. Do not exploit or abuse them.
However, some people are nasty and cannot be reasoned, pushed or coerced into changing. Catering to their behavior only makes it worse. It is possible to honor thy mother from a distance, so I recommend they have as little contact as possible. I will keep them in my prayers. — Mishawaka, Ind.
Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailboxcomcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd St., Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.
COPYRIGHT 2012 CREATORS.COM