Consider the little extras in estate planning

Dear Annie: I am 90 years old and am concerned that after I die my kids will squabble over my things. So I would like to work it out before that happens.

I have a daughter who lives in another state and two wonderful daughters-in-law who live nearby. “Dora” and my oldest son have helped me the most. When my husband was still living, they arranged a reverse mortgage on our house by making us a loan from their personal funds. When my husband became feeble, Dora began doing my grocery shopping. Every Sunday, she brings a nice dinner, and my son does any needed repairs around the house. She always brings me a gift on Mother’s Day and on my birthday.

I already have given Dora two nice heirlooms, and I know she would like to have my mother’s sterling silver. My daughter will get the antique wall clock, and my other daughter-in-law gets the china closet. How do I divide the rest of the stuff? Should I give Dora the sterling now? — Old in Indiana

Dear Indiana: Please speak to an estate planner or, at the very least, a lawyer who can handle your will. As tempting as it is to give more to Dora than the others, it could create all sorts of resentments later. The division of your estate should be relatively equal, but you can make special gifts of pieces of jewelry or sentimental items. If you think your children will behave themselves, it can help to discuss this with all of them in advance, asking each child to select one item that they would like to have. And yes, you can give it to them while you are around to see them enjoy it.

Dear Annie: Am I the only person who is disappointed by generic email Christmas and birthday cards? They seem so impersonal, and I do not appreciate receiving such cold greetings.

One longtime friend has resorted to this, in spite of the fact I always mail her an old-fashioned, hand-signed card. How can I get her to stop sending me email cards without hurting her feelings? Would it be rude to return the greeting to her?

I’m an old-fashioned person who was raised during the age of smoke signals and find that life used to be much simpler and warmer. — Over-Seventy Attitude

Dear Attitude: We agree email cards are less personal than handwritten notes, but it does take a certain amount of effort to select the right one from hundreds of possibilities, so try to give your friend credit for that. And many people have stopped sending cards altogether, which is a shame. Please accept these cards in the spirit in which they were sent — that is, to convey good wishes to you. (But do please continue to send handwritten notes of your own. They are much more charming.)

Dear Annie: “Iowa” doesn’t like that her husband still goes to bars, but when he asks whether it’s OK for him to go alone, she always says “yes.”

She should tell her husband her interests have changed and then work on a compromise. Why not tell him directly that she really wants to be with him on those precious weekends when he opts to go out with friends? She could propose specific activities she would like instead. She could even suck it up and agree to accompany him once a month. And if the point of going to bars is being with friends, perhaps she could host an event for them at her home. — Fred

Dear Fred: You are correct that if she doesn’t express herself, the situation isn’t likely to change. We like your suggestions and hope she will consider them.

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailboxcomcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd St., Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie’s Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at creators.com.

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