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Dear Annie: Thirty years ago, my husband had a long-term affair. At the time, he was 30, and she was 16. He planned to leave me, and our two young children, but he changed his mind and supposedly broke off the affair. Last year, I found out he had a daughter with this woman. The girl is now 17.
Four months ago, I came home from a short trip to discover he had moved out because he wants to spend more time with his daughter. I told him I would welcome the girl into our family, but he said he no longer wants to be married. He refuses to let me meet his daughter, who now lives with him in his newly renovated home. Our own children want nothing to do with him, and he doesn’t understand why.
He still stops by for breakfast and coffee most mornings and often comes over for lunch or in the evening to visit. Do you think he will eventually come back to me, or should I tell him to get lost so I can move on with my life? — Frazzled
Dear Frazzled: Your husband has a set-up that works for him — free meals and visits with his wife, and none of the responsibilities. He has no reason to change it.
You cannot make him behave the way you wish, so if this arrangement works for you, fine. Otherwise, we recommend a legal separation until you figure out what is in your best interest. You don’t have to rush into divorce. One step at a time.
Dear Annie: I recently married my longtime boyfriend. My father-in-law is fun to be around and loves to be the life of the party. The problem is, every other word out of his mouth takes the Lord’s name in vain. I cringe every time I hear it and don’t understand why he swears so much in this particular way. I’ve tried telling him nicely I don’t like cursing, but nothing seems to make a dent. Any suggestions? — Not a Fan of Cursing
Dear Not a Fan: Dad has a bad habit that will be difficult to break, particularly if he isn’t willing to try. Ask your husband to tell his father you are very sensitive to the swearing, and suggest he try to substitute less offensive words when you are around. You also could employ a sense of humor and exaggeratedly cover your ears and look shocked when Dad swears so he notices when he’s doing it. We can’t guarantee it will help, but at least you will have registered your disapproval.
Dear Annie: Like “Adopted Child,” I, too, was adopted as an infant. At the age of 25, I had some medical issues, so I called the home that handled my adoption to see whether I could get some medical information.
It turned out my biological mother was looking for me. Although my parents were not happy about my contacting her, I did it anyway. For five years, I thought we had a good relationship. But apparently, my birth mother blamed me for ruining her life. She purposefully got pregnant to trap my biological father into marriage, but he wouldn’t do it. I was born with a birth defect caused either by a beating he gave her or her attempts to abort me. The defect was repaired at birth, but I carry a hideous scar as a constant reminder someone wanted me dead. Worse, my biological mother lied to help my ex-husband gain custody of my daughters during our divorce, because she wanted me to suffer the loss of a child as she did.
Meeting this woman was the biggest mistake of my life. Adopted children should be content with the parents who raised them. — Another Adopted Child
Dear Another: Your story is horrific, but fortunately, it’s not typical. Frankly, your biological mother sounds mentally ill. We are sorry you had to go through such heartbreak.
Dear Annie: There have been so many letters in your column about women not wanting sex. How about hearing the other side?
I am a 57-year-old man, married for 25 years. Overall, it’s a good marriage, except I am not interested in sex with my wife. She has gained 100 pounds. I lost weight myself and had to fight her every step of the way. Seven years ago, I bought her an expensive exercise machine she said she wanted, even though she never uses it. She gets offended when I encourage dieting or exercise. She has had some major health issues, and when she decided she only wanted to work part time, it forced me to work overtime. I stood by her through all this.
I am now semi-retired, and money is an issue. A couple of months ago, she began pressuring me, asking what’s wrong that I don’t want sex. When I finally told her it is her weight, she didn’t speak to me for two days. She thinks we need counseling, but I am concerned she would hear only what she wanted to hear.
I have had opportunities to cheat but asked myself each time whether the available woman was worth losing half my house and half my pension. So far, the answer has been no. But I don’t know for how long. — Kansas
Dear Kansas: We think there is also some resentment behind your reluctance to be intimate with your wife. We understand that you don’t believe counseling would help, but please try nonetheless. It could bring insight, as well as suggestions to improve the situation, and that surely has to be better than what you have now.
Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailboxcomcast.net.
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