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Dear Annie: I recently moved into an apartment with three other guys. We get along well and have fun together.
One of my roommates is a serious player and has no qualms about dating six women at the same time. With each one, he implies the relationship is exclusive. He told me he does this because he got burned once. I told him that’s a risk in any relationship and he should stop being part of the problem.
Now he brings his various girlfriends to the apartment. They think he’s a great guy who seems so genuine. I have to interact with them and feel horrible lying, smiling and pretending I don’t know what’s really going on.
What should I do? If I expose him, it will sour our relationship. At the same time, I can’t keep pretending his womanizing is OK. Do I really have to move again? — New Yorker
Dear New Yorker: You cannot become involved in every roommate’s issues, nor can you be every woman’s protector, although bless you for trying. These women are responsible for their own character judgments, good or bad. You have told The Snake how you feel about his behavior, and we think you should do so again, more forcefully, pointing out he has become the type of person he detests. And when he brings a girlfriend over, we recommend you vacate the premises or retreat to your bedroom. You should not be forced to put on a phony face for his benefit.
Dear Annie: My son recently married his longtime girlfriend. My wife and I paid for the rehearsal dinner and the honeymoon, and the bridal couple paid for the rest. The reception was small, and the ceremony even smaller. They also wanted no children younger than high-school age. We would have liked to expand the guest list, but it wasn’t our money, and we didn’t push.
My sisters felt their young children should have been invited, and one boycotted the wedding in protest. Then, two months later, our cousin married, opting for a destination wedding. Neither my sisters nor I could make it. Afterward, the couple held a local reception and specifically said “no children.” The same sister who boycotted my son’s wedding was perfectly OK attending this childfree reception.
My son is moving out of state next year, and my wife and I are retiring to Florida. I would just as soon write off that branch of the family, but my wife wants to make a big deal out of this snub. Your suggestions? — Put Out in Peoria
Dear Put Out: The two weddings are not exactly comparable in that your son is a closer relation to your sister’s young children than your cousin’s child is, and she was not as offended by their exclusion. However, boycotting your son’s wedding was petty and selfish. You need not make a big deal out of this or write them off. Moving away will take care of any regular contact while leaving open the possibility of reconciliation down the road.
Dear Annie: “Worried Driver in Lafayette, Ind.” asked for a universal sign to get people to stop talking on their cellphones while driving. Despite all the hysteria, the fact is that in the 15 years cellphones have become widespread, traffic accidents and fatalities have decreased 25 percent, according to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. — Hawaii
Dear Hawaii: The problem with quoting statistics is you have to put them in context. Overall traffic fatalities did dip, but “distracted driving” accidents (e.g., eating, drinking, adjusting the radio and cellphone use) increased by up to 16 percent. Also, even though hand-held phone use decreased by 5 percent and is against the law in more states, 18 percent of distracted-driving fatalities involved cellphone use.
Dear Annie: I am trying to decide whether I should leave my marriage of almost 50 years. During the years when we both worked, my husband and I spent many hours at our jobs, and I pretty much raised our children myself. Now that we are retired and have the time to spend together, he has no interest in being with me.
I am still fairly attractive at the age of 70. I would love to go on vacations and am also interested in a sex life. My husband, however, couldn’t care less. He saw a doctor regarding his inability to have sex, but had no success and gave up. He keeps himself busy, but he has locked me out both physically and emotionally.
I would be happy kissing, hugging and cuddling, but he scoots so far away, I am surprised he does not fall off the bed. Even when watching TV, he will put on programs he knows I don’t care for, and if I object, he goes into another room.
We seem to have nothing in common anymore, except our grandchildren. He enjoys being with them. But I am lonely. I have a network of friends, many of whom are widows who say I would be crazy to leave him. I am afraid of making a mistake at my age, but living like this is miserable. Am I too old to start over? — Lonely in New York
Dear New York: No, but you have to be willing to be alone, because that is a possibility. Your husband is probably afraid cuddling, kissing and hugging will leave you with raised expectations. We are certain he is no happier about this situation than you are. Please ask him to go with you for counseling to see whether the two of you can find a way to work through this. A professional can help guide you.
Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.
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