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Letters 1-12-2013


A set for the new year

This is the time of year when many people make resolutions. Being a sharing type of person, I have gone to the effort of making resolutions for you, in case you forgot this year or happened to make ones you have no intention of keeping.

1. Don’t drive your car off a cliff into the ocean on the road to Hilo. Obviously this is a good idea, but how many have this on their list of New Year’s resolutions? Nevertheless, it’s a job someone has to do, in fact, hopefully, all of us. Just following this simple idea will help you avoid ruining your — and your various and sundry relatives’ — day, not to mention the nuisance and expense of having to retrieve your fish-chewed remains by helicopter. So, relax and enjoy the view of the car in front of you creeping along, as if its driver has nothing better to do than to enjoy the view of the car creeping along in front of him. Let’s face it: Hilo isn’t going anywhere, trust me.

2. Eat less salt-flavored mechanically separated hog nostrils from rectangular-shaped tin cans with pull-off lids. With names like “Spicey Ham,” or “Reel Treet”, or “Big Bargain Luncheon Meat,” it’s hard to resist gobbling the enigmatic dogfood-like concoction down by the canful. Maybe you don’t want to make this resolution at all, if, for instance, you happen to have an open-heart surgeon on-call in your living room.

3. Eat no more than 6 pounds of insect parts and rodent feces this year. After all, that’s the average amount consumed by each human every year, with the exception, of course, of those living in rural Myanmar, for whom insect parts and rodent feces are the main diet. Now, before those reading this from rural Myanmar sitting around on the dirt floor of the village long house begin jumping up and down waving your fists, take a deep breath, become one with the universe, and enjoy another helping of fried cicada. Actually, organic fruit and vegetables contain about 50 to 60 percent more insect parts than processed food, which, however, often has enough nitrate preservatives to arrest an attack of angina pectoris.

4. Refrain from lava-walking in thongs. No, not the kind you’re thinking of (shame on you), but the rubber kind you wear on your feet without socks, also known as flip-flops or slippahs. Come to think of it, you might want to refrain from lava-walking in the other kind, also. The rubber kind, amazingly enough, will actually melt on contact, just before your feet also melt.

As for that other kind, certain parts of your anatomy may end up broiled like a lobster tail. On the other hand, whereas lava-walking is out, you’ll look wunderbar in the Ironman Underpants Race.

There are more resolutions, many more, but this is all the space I have in the little box. May 2013 be your best year ever and, if you happen to be around my age, most of all may you make it until 2014 in one piece, with your original heart and both feet still intact.

Dennis Foster

Captain Cook